


It's Not Always Good To Be The King

by melanie1982



Category: Alice in Wonderland - Fandom, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Deborah Blau from I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, Dorothy Gale of Kansas, Labyrinth (1986), Peter Pan (pick one)
Genre: Crossover, Mashup, Other, Silly, crack-fic?, daddydaddygetmeoutofhere, drabble-ish, imagineif, mademelaughthough, mayfailhorribly, youmeetthestrangestpeopledownintheunderground
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 15:02:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7320001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanie1982/pseuds/melanie1982
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poor Jareth. </p><p>Something is going on, some tear in the veil between worlds, and various uninvited guests are appearing in his kingdom. </p><p>Imagining Jareth interacting with various fantasy characters.</p><p>I write what I enjoy. If anyone else likes it, yay! If not, yay! </p><p>Fiction. Not my characters. I make no money from this.</p><p>Mature for language, possible innuendo</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Always Good To Be The King

Poor Jareth. Ever since that little piece of suburban jailbait had beaten his Labyrinth, all sorts of strange things had been happening - and when something is deemed 'strange' in a place like THAT, you know it's REALLY strange.

It started with the arrival of a curiously-attired man-child. He was able to fly without turning into an owl, bat, or other winged creature, and at first, Jareth watched him from within a crystal, assessing the level of threat. All the youthful bugger did was flit about like an over-sized fairy, peering in the trees and calling 'Tink! Tink? Where are you?' Jareth couldn't fathom it. Upon his approach, the intruder drew his pitifully undersized 'sword' (more of a dagger, really), and Jareth smirked.

"What are you proposing to do with THAT, my young fellow? Dear oh dear; that's not long enough to get the job done. Why, I saw more impressive instruments during my years at Mogwart's School for Goblins. Come now - state your business, and I'll decide whether or not to dispatch you." 

Peter Pan gave a friendly smile, but there was something.. creepy about it. Unsettling. "I'm Peter Pan. Have you seen Tink? What about Captain Hook? Or Tick Tock? I *thought* I heard a clock around here.." He resumed his flitting about in hideous green tights. Monochrome outfits were SO five hundred years ago. As the clock chimed, Peter froze.

"What the heck is THAT?"

"That, my boy, is the sign that it's time for you to fly back to wherever you came from. Leave this place. Now."

Peter did a loop the loop - no reason, just show-boating - before heading toward the nearest star. Jareth's attending goblin, Muldof, quipped, "Bet YOU can't do a loopta de loop."

Jareth snatched him up by his goblin beard. "And I bet YOU can't get any goblin conjugals after a stint in the Hall of Unusual Punishments."

Jareth vanished to his castle in a huff.

\-------------------------------------------

It was a few days later in Above-ground time when Jareth sensed another disturbance in the Labyrinth.

"Who is it?," he asked his second-in-command, rolling the stem of his goblet between his fingers.

"Sire, I think you'd better come and see."

A young girl was peering at the intricate engravings upon the Labyrinth walls. 

"How did she get so close to the center of the Labyrinth? She didn't begin at the beginning!" He turned, his cape snapping out behind him as he exited.

Best to approach with caution, in case she has powers, he reminded himself. "Well now. Who might you be, young lady?"

She sized him up, seemingly unperturbed. "I haven't seen you before."

"Excuse me asking, but, have you visited my Labyrinth before?"

She tilted her head. "'Labyrinth'? Oh, no. This is Yr."

Jareth tried to replicate the sound she had made. "'Yr'?"

"It's an imaginary world I created to help escape my painful and confusing reality. See?" She tossed him a well-worn copy of Spark notes for 'I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.'

Jareth frowned. "I don't follow."

Deborah sighed. "I met the fire creatures - clearly a rip-off of MY Anterrabae; I guess you're supposed to be Lactamaeon, the sarcastic dark god; the Labyrinth represents my ever-changing perceptions of reality.. It's so simple! Haven't you ever been psycho-analyzed?"

Jareth's mouth tried to fit around that word. "Psycho-what?"

The girl continued to criticize his Labyrinth, which to her represented the land of Yr. "I simply must tell Dr Fried about this episode. Yr is changed; I wonder if that means I'm getting better, or worse?"

"It means, child," Jareth muttered as he rolled his energy into a ball and felt it solidify, "that it's time for you to go back Above-ground and back to whatever fantasy you prefer to MY world." He encapsulated her in the crystal, sending it hurtling blindly through the dimensional divide. 

"Happy landings," he drawled.

\------------------  
An entire week without anything eventful happening, and then, Jareth suffered a strange dream. 

In it, a pale figure with platinum-blonde hair and cheekbones that could slice cheese appeared on his windowsill. To Jareth's astonishment, the figure began to speak in what the earth races called a 'British accent,' and which Jareth had been told he also possessed. The voice grew louder, angrier, and at last, Jareth awoke.

"Bloody fucking hell, 's about time. You sleep like the dead. I was about ready to bite you, just to check."

"Who - who.. are you?"

Jareth was not as fast at formulating put-downs and witty observations at stupid o'clock in the morning after being woken up by.. by.. He still wasn't sure.

"Name's Spike. And you are..?"

"'Spike'? What sort of name is that?" Though, the more Jareth looked, the pointier Spike seemed.. especially his teeth.

"Well, there are several reasons I have that name. What's yours?"

How dare he address the king thus? Wasn't he inherently regal, even in his state of semi-dress? "I am Jareth, King of the Underground and Lord of the Labyrinth. You disturbed me."

Spike let out a laugh, and Jareth was unnerved by how much the sound affected him. He was grateful for the covering of the bedclothes. "I've been to the ultimate 'Underground,' love, and YOU are no demon." Spike took in his eye-shadow, his coiffed bonce, and added, "King of the Fairies, maybe. Lord of the Dance, perhaps."

Jareth threw back the blanket, erection be damned. "I am of Goblin blood, the purest, noblest family among our kind."

Spike noticed some of the 'noble Goblin blood' was collecting in a certain kingly body part. "Well, THAT impresses me."

Jareth's ego was soothed a little, albeit for the wrong reason. Still, the intruder needed to go. "How did you get to my chambers, bypassing the guards and the barriers?" 

Spike shrugged. "No idea. You must've invited me in."

"Impossible."

"'S how it works, mate. Can't come in unless you invite me. Unless.. unless those rules don't apply in your world." Spike grinned, brimming with the possibilities. "Hmm. Perhaps I'll go take a look around. I wonder if YOUR sun burns me the same way the real one does?" 

Before Jareth could reach the window, Spike had vaulted himself out, landing without a sound, and taken off into the distance at lightning speed.

Jareth was left with an ache he couldn't soothe and a temper worthy of a musical number.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morning brought with it its own set of problems. The Labyrinth shimmered with a new arrival, and Jareth sighed. "Not another one. Guards! Bring our latest guest to me. I tire of this."

A young girl in old-fashioned clothing was presented to him. "Oh, please, PLEASE tell me where he is! I simply MUST find him; he promised to show me the way home!"

"Who are you searching for, child?" 

"The White Rabbit! I followed him down the rabbit hole, and got lost in the Wonderland, and - oh! I simply MUST get home.." She began to cry, and Jareth couldn't stand it. 

"Mad as a hatter," he mumbled to himself, then whispered a spell into his palm. "Here, child. If you eat this, you will find your way home." He presented her with a small wafer which caught the light, and she stopped crying. 

"Will it make me fifty feet tall? Or five inches tall?"

Jareth smiled, though inwardly he was leery of her. "Neither one. Just place it under your tongue, and you shall have your wish."

Alice let the wafer dissolve. "Oh! The Rabbit! There he goes! Thank you, but I really must be going now. Mr. Rabbit! Wait! Please!"

Jareth cleared his ears, hoping her whining hadn't done permanent damage. Watching until she disappeared into that far horizon, he returned to goblin matters.

\-----------------------------------

Silence. No visitors. No chaos. It had been months, and Jareth felt sure that, at long last, whatever damage Sarah had wrought upon the Labyrinth had healed itself.

Then, while out on a morning walk by the gate, he spotted a brunette in a blue-and-white gingham dress. Beside her stood a small, yappy dog, Jareth's least favorite kind. Sensing his proximity, she turned.

"Oh! Excuse me. I'm waiting for the Scarecrow. He helped me last time I got stuck here. Have you seen him?"

Jareth pinched the bridge of his nose. "Give me strength," he allowed under his breath. By this time, his entourage had found him, though, had she been an assassin, they would have been sorely late. Louder, he added, "Good morning, my lady. Who might you be?"

"I'm Dorothy Gale. Oh, my, Toto! I don't think we're in Oz anymore. I don't know any of these folks. It's so different from last time. For one thing, you weren't there. Or you. Or you.."

Jareth gritted his teeth. "Click your heels together three times, child."

She clicked once. Twice. What WAS it with the dramatic pause in between clicks?

As Jareth heard her click for the final time, he laughed. "There's no place like.. the Bog of Eternal Stench! You'll be making a pit-stop before going home. Tell the others to steer clear. Beware the Labyrinth. How's THAT for a twister?"

He heard the screams of helpless horror as she was dunked and sent on her way.

\-------------------------------------------

Years had passed, and Jareth had all but forgotten the encounters with other-dimensional beings, when there was a knock at the door. 

A moment later, a groveling goblin fell at his feet. "A thousand apologies, Highness, but the visitor will not speak to anyone but you."

Jareth tore himself away from brooding and opened the gate. "Yes?"

A young bespectacled boy stood before him, looking bewildered as he held up the two halves of his broken broom. "Please, sir - I need help getting back to - "

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Jareth slammed the door, off in search of a spell to seal the Labyrinth once and for all. No pretty girl or goblin progeny was worth THIS much nonsense.

-End


End file.
